How our childhood attachment styles influence our future relationships?

 

Go to google and search “attachment”, and you will see words which reflect strong emotional and physical bond stemming from love, affection, care, and sympathy. Now when you explore the concept of attachment from a viewpoint of a psychologist you will realise how crucial this term is for the development of a child. Your childhood attachment style usually tends to define your future relationships; thus, becoming a governing pillar of your life. From cradle to grave, we seek bonds and attachments. Even the people who believe that they “don’t need anyone” or they “don’t want to be intimate to anyone or have friends” also develop this aloofness from a faulty attachment style.

Stages of Attachment during Infancy:

John Bowlby, a British psychologist, was the pioneer of the attachment theory. He believed that the bond a child develops with his/her caregivers has a significant impact on their future lives. Behaviourist psychologist believed that attachment is a learned process, but Bowlby and other psychologist suggested that children are born with an innate drive to form attachment with their caregivers.

There are four stages of attachment during the initial phase of child development.

1)  Pre-Attachment Stage: Infants aged till 3 months do not show signs of attachment to any specific person. As long as any caregiver responds gently to baby’s crying or other needs, the child will feel content and secure.

2   Indiscriminate attachment: This is the second stage where usually children between the age of 3 to 7 months starts to discriminate between primary/secondary caregivers and other caretakers. They start to develop liking for their primary and secondary guardians. They do allow others to look after them, but they respond better to primary caregivers.

3   Discriminate Attachment: Now this third stage is of paramount importance because an infant of an age group between 7 to 11 months begins developing fondness for one specific caregiver. If they are separated from this primary figure, they will show signs of separation anxiety while also developing stranger anxiety.

4)  Multiple Attachment: After almost 9 months, the attachment styles of the babies start to stabilise. At this stage, they begin feeling secure and calm around other caretakers like grandparents, siblings, etc.

      Types of Attachment Styles and Their

   Impacts:

It is crucial to realise here that the form of lasting bonding a child development in his early months is highly likely to form the basis for his future relationships and social life. Long term separation anxiety can leave a void of neglect in child’s personality, and its negative impacts can persist in long run. Infants tend to form attachment with people who respond to their needs, and not with people who they tend to spend more time with. Attachment style refers to a way in which an individual emotionally bonds with other people in his/ her life. Attachment styles have been divided into 4 categories:

1)  Ambivalent Attachment Style: This is the most uncommon attachment style which stems from long lasting separation anxiety. Neglect and unavailability of the primary caregiver leaves a child distressed, and gradually these children learn not to depend on their primary caretakers. This kind of bonding with your parents (or other caretaker) leads to difficulty in social life and having relationships. Such individuals tend to worry about being clingy or demanding excessive love and attention. They get preoccupied with their partner, and are unable to observe healthy boundaries. Doubts regarding the sincerity of their partner’s love become their home, where the never feel safe or loved. These individuals will derive their self-worth from the treatment their partner offers them, and they will perceive any squabble or minor inconvenience as a major threat to their relationships. To get control of the situations, such individuals, unfortunately, resort to manipulative and guilt tripping tactics to keep their partner close to them. We can now link how the inconsistency in parenting can lead one to be fearful and anxious in their future relationships.

Avoidant Attachment Style: This attachment style is opposite to ambivalent style. Although both are the result of parental neglect or abuse, but these people react in a different manner. These are the children who would not show preference for primary/secondary caregivers and complete strangers because they were discouraged or punished for relying on their primary guardians. Now instead of craving closeness or intimacy, these children when grow into adults they are unable to explore or understand their “vulnerable” and “soft emotions”. They learn to be independent, and not to engage in emotional or intimate connections because they fear being exposed. These people deny the need of human connectedness, and often face conflicts in their relationships for not being expressive and catering to the emotional needs of their partners. Such individuals are called out for being cold and distant as they highly prioritize their independence and feel uncomfortable when talking about emotions. Avoidant-dismissive attachment styles are often caused by unavailable or rejecting parents during infancy. Because the caregiver did not regularly or predictably meet the needs, the child was forced to distance himself/herself emotionally and to self-soothe. Later in life, this foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving independence cause significant distress. Such children show no sign of separation anxiety when distanced from their primary caregiver, and instead avoided the at figure when reunited.

Disorganized Attachment: This also refers to fearful-avoidant attachment style where parental neglect, abuse or childhood trauma makes an individual believe that he/she is not worthy of love and care. Children with this attachment style are not certain of their emotions and display conflicting feelings towards their caregivers. Sometimes they would believe their caregiver is their safe haven and other times they would show resentful attitude towards their guardian. If these people have experienced abuse as children, they would imitate the same behavior as adults. People with this attachment style find it difficult to comfort themselves or regulate their emotions which can have disastrous impacts on their future relationships. Romantic relations seem confusing for these people, and they swing between extremes of emotional spectrum by showing vicious hatred or strong love for their partner. These people are more vulnerable to display aggression and violence and can indulge themselves in drugs and substance abuse. They also exhibit blaming behaviour by refusing to own up their actions and are terrified of getting hurt. Their childhood suffering has made them believe that they do not deserve meaningful and secure relationships. It could be possible that the continuous chaos and unhealed traumas of the parents might have traumatised the child or absence of the primary caregivers, resulting in unfulfilled needs of the child, could have led to a disorganized attachment style.

 Secure Attachment Style: This is the ideal type which we all seek for ourselves and our children, but it requires effort and control on the emotions. This is the most desired attachment style where an infant looks up to the primary caregivers when he/she needs anything. These children manifest separation anxiety when separated from the caregiver, but feels delighted and secure when reunited with that figure. These children grow up into confident, independent, and stable adults. They have higher self-esteem and show excellent academic performance. Their relationships are successful and they experience minimal depression and anxiety. They deem themselves worthy of respect and love, and are able to handle the responsibilities effectively. They are able to understand differences of opinions, put themselves in other’s shoes, and are better equipped to deal with ebbs and flows of life.

Last Words

It is significant to understand the manner of your attachment styles. Better understanding of insecure attachment style can enable you to identify the root problem and deal with it accordingly. A troubled childhood can mould you into an anxious adult. Therefore, if you are able to uproot the main cause you can live an emotionally healthier life and have a better social life, also a stable relationship with your partner!